My Nurse is an Angel

I thought everything was going ok, not good, but I would cope. I kept reminding myself that the first injection, was for many, the worse and that it was likely that things may get better.

I didn't tell you how much stress I'd had the week before my tx began. I had planned that I would take the young people I worked with to Blackpool, tie up loose ends the next day then bow out and rest and get over the chest infection before tx day.
What happened was that 2 young people decided to go missing in Blackpool, one of them was mine, and this caused untold complications and had negative health complications for me.

I had begun the day at 8am and was frazzled by 5pm when we were due to leave Blackpool, at best I average 4 or 5 good hours a day, so I was pushing it to begin with. It was 10.30pm by the time I found my missing girl and took her home, after dealing with park security, police, parents, my line manager and the rest of my group of young people, I got home myself in floods of relief that it was all over. I poured myself a glass of wine to help me unwind, one of the last I was to enjoy before tx began. Only I didn't enjoy it, because the next thing my phone began to ring and I had a child protection case on my hands with the girl who had gone missing making allegations of sexual abuse. By 2am, I had established with social services emergency duty team, that I would not be required to remain awake throughout the night for police reports.

I didn't manage work the following day, but found consequently with all the extra reports this incident generated, that I had to work like a lunatic up until the Friday evening instead of the Wednesday I had planned to finish. Far too exhausted to attend my colleagues wedding on the Friday evening, which I was sad about.

On the Sunday I took my mum to see her dear brother in hospital who is suffering from vascular dementia. I was appalled by the standard of care he was receiving, the unexplained bruising, the fresh grazes on his elbows, the zombie drugged state he was in. As I was leaving the hospital after 4 hours, I noticed a report left casually on a table outside the ward which I read, and learned that my uncle had had a fall in the shower that morning, noone had told us despite my asking staff nurse why he was in such a state. By my reckoning then, the grazes on his elbows that were causing him pain everytime he knocked them on the chair, that I had had to ask a nurse to come and dress, had been there for over 7 hours before they were attended to, despite the report citing the injuries. I worried about my Uncle's well being.

Along with all this was the insomnia, so even though I was exhausted, a good sleep was not forthcoming. I tell you all this so you have a good idea of the state I was in when I presented myself for tx. as it all possibly contributed to what happened next.

As I have already mentioned on the forum, 1st injection posting, I initially thought everything was going ok, then the panic attack kicked in. I managed to ride out the storm until it happened again, and again. By yesterday, Sunday, I had 3 attacks in one day, I was totally undone. I posted more about this on the forum, panic attacks and anxiety disorders.

My uncle had been moved from the hospital to a nursing home, and I had told my mum I would take her to see him this Sunday I did not want her negotiating 3 long bus journeys to get there. I also wanted to see him because I had been told he was now much better since he had left the hospital, he was no longer like a drugged up zombie and I needed to see this to settle my own mind.

My mum called to my house on Sunday morning whilst I was gagging on crumpets so I could take my ribavirin, not long after this, the panic attack kicked in. I told my mum I would not be able to go along to see my uncle, but that my partner would take her. However after a while the symptoms began to subside and my desire to see my uncle looking well gave me the incentive to go along. I was glad I did, even though it was awful seeing him in that dingy, dismal home with no garden, that smelt of piss as soon as you walked through the door. Despite this the staff were all lovely which was comforting.

I was pleased I was able to take charge, organise a wheel chair, find out where the nearest park was and get this poor man out in the fresh air. I wanted to cry just to think that he had not seen a blade of grass or anything of beauty for weeks.
We had picked my aunt up on the way and it was lovely to walk along in the sunshine, whilst mum and aunty chatted away and uncle smiled and waved at children and stroked little dogs.

When we returned to the nursing home I came over all funny again, and panic attack number 2 came to call. My partner helped me to the car, brought me water and a biscuit and stayed with me whilst I trembled and jerked and fought for my breath, and while aunty and mum said their goodbyes to uncle. It is laughable that these symptoms that make me feel like I am going to die can be alleviated with a glass of water and a biscuit.

When we got home I was exhausted and lay on the settee whilst my partner took my mum home. I tried to eat dinner later but it was a bit of a struggle and I couldn't manage much, by about 9pm panic attack number 3 booted the door in and said Hi.
By this time the tension in my back, chest, shoulders, neck was incredible, I was struggling to get a satisfying breath and I cried like a baby.

This morning I felt wierd, my partner is at work and I didn't know whether I should go to A and E, as I had chest pains. I wondered if I still had a chest infection, but I couldn't organise myself to get this together.

Then the phone rang, it was my nurse to ask how I was getting on with tx. I told her about the panic attacks and chest pains, she comforted me and called me sweetie. She told me there was an attenders clinic I could go to tomorrow and see a doctor who would examine me and check my chest, she said she would go and get me an appointment and call me back. Within minutes she called me back with an appointment for 12 noon tomorrow, she confirmed what Minerva's nurse had told her, that anxiety attacks were a side of tx with some people, she called me darling. I put the phone down and cried because of her sympathy and understanding. I feel better just knowing someone knows what is going on, the tension in my chest is easing, I'm writing my blog.

So that is why this posting is entitled My Nurse is an Angel. We are going to get on just fine.